Ultimately? Cards on the table? At the end of the day? I’m starting a substack. Critics are saying “this is a cry for help,” “just write your pilot,” and “nooo don’t make a substack, you’re so sexy aha.” If you’re angry at me for doing this, please know that’s completely normal and you are not alone! Basically, a guy hurt my feelings at Le Pain Quotidian eight weeks ago so now I have to become an amazing writer and win an award. Does that make sense? A biggggg part of having a substack is feeling embarrassed about it.
I worry people think I’m stupid because I dress like a bimbo slut. I love wearing tube tops and mini skirts, is that a crime? Dolly Parton says: “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.” My version is: “It takes a lot of smarts to look this dumb.” Wait, I’m lowkey being insightful right now. I majored in creative writing but haven’t written one sentence since I graduated (unless industry is reading this, in which case, I’ve written 50 spec scripts for Big Mouth). I want to substack every month, but of course, that’s not up to me, that’s up to God and HIS plan (ya God is a man, grow up!!!)
Each month, I’ll explore a new theme. The twist? I want input from your big little ass! I’ll post on Instagram dot com asking for your stories, thoughts, and secrets related to the theme. I am rock hard for everyone who contributes. If you hate this idea, that is totally fine, no worries, all love! I will change everything about myself to fit in. One time, my crush invited me to get flu shots and I had already gotten mine but I really wanted to spend time with her so I lied and got a second shot. Wait, should I stop telling people this story?
I don’t think my ideas are “important” or “helpful” per say but that’s not what substacks are about. They’re about proving something to a guy you kissed four years ago who is now dating a girl with your same name. Still, I have insights to share. For example, being 24 is about wearing UGGs and no bra to the grocery store. It’s important to wake up and immediately spend $20 on Eventbrite. A huge part of being bi is being straight. Your soulmate is not a comedian or DJ but you should kiss 10-30 of them just to be sure.
A recurring fear of mine is that I’m not taken seriously by my peers. As a scientist, I have some theories. 1) I’m not taken seriously because of hashtag SOCIETY. People dismiss femininity as shallow and unintellectual when actually, wearing a short skirt that shows your holes is one of the most academic things someone can do. 2) I’m not taken seriously because of how I act (aka the call is coming from inside the house). I’m constantly like, “I’m dumb.” And then people are like, “Ok, you’re dumb.” And I’m like, “Woah, why would you say that? I’m SHAKING.” 3) I shouldn’t care about being taken seriously. It’s fine to be smart and deep but it’s also fine to be silly random buzzfeed bacon sauce. It’s none of my business what I am.
In conclusion, this substack is for all—friends, lovers, enemies, interns, WAGS (wives and girlfriends of sportsmen). My life is easy and lucky but sometimes the misogyny I face is so vintage I feel like the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. That show is basically just Midge being like, “Ahhh I have to cook brisket for the rabbi because I’m Jewish, remember!” Anyway, it’s easy to feel strange and bad on this cRaZy bLuE mArBLe. Maybe if I share my life, and you share yours, we will feel less alone (the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack starts playing. There’s not a dry eye in the house.)
If you care about me, like and subscribe for once! January’s theme is RESOLUTIONS (beep beep original alert). Keep an eye out ‘cause I’ll need your input. Love you and would die for you. <3
Magic