Not to be a bitch but hiiiiiiiii! No offense but heyyyyy! On January 27, let me be the FIRST to wish you a Happy New Year! This month, I asked my readers, “what are your resolutions re: dating, sex, love, horny, etc.” and your responses BROKE the internet. Only 3 to 7 DMs were from freaky dudes requesting sexual favors. Can I get a slaymen? Among the many submissions I received (brag), 4 motifs emerged—ya, I know that word, I’m an English major!!! For each theme, I’ve included examples from you, the PEOPLE. Class is in session!
THEME 1: SLUT TOWN, USA
“Be a giant slut”
“Have a slut era for real”
“Sex!!!”
“If I don’t break my dry spell I’ll become the joker”
My dumbass thought you guys would want to “prioritize your career” or “focus on friendship.” Instead, I got 400 messages like “I wanna bang an entire village” and “I want a job at the nasty whore factory.” Any time a girl wears a slutty outfit to an open mic, she says, “I’m doing an impression of Tessa,” and I think that’s beautiful. I’d also love if “being funny” was an homage to Tessa, but tube tops are cool too. Last month, a stranger heard me on a podcast and DM’ed me to go on a date even though we had one single mutual (you bet your big little ass I said yes). In other words, I fucked a fan. So ya, I celebrate and encourage everyone to go himbo bimbo mode and fingerblast their crush!
THEME 2: BODIES BODIES BODIES
“Don’t try to change my body”
“Stop caring what men think about my body”
Having a body is torture, of course, but there’s no way around it—so let’s love that thing! Last week, a dear friend chose to tell me that I have big boobs but no butt so when I turn to the side, I look like an AirPod. Let that sink in. I personally don’t care about the gym. When people spend every day at Blink Fitness I’m like…so you’re not working on your art? For every ab someone has it’s like…you could’ve written a pilot. But also, if exercise brings you joy, then stomp that elliptical chica! (Me, desperate to say the right thing, sitting on/reverse cowgirling the fence.) I don’t know how to talk about exercise because it can be good or bad or neutral or self-care or self-harm or in between. I’ve never had a normal relationship with exercise or food (or men, am I right ladies?). What I do know is that loving your body is slayana all dayana!
THEME 3: BREAKING NEWS…BREAKING UP
“Break up with my boyfriend even though I love him”
“Survive heartbreak”
Whenever people are going through a breakup, I’m like, “wait, you’re copying me?” Now more than ever, I went through a breakup 12 months ago. Being dumped sucks (I imagine—it’s never happened to me), but dumping someone also sucks. It’s unfair because you get to plan what you want to say whereas your lover has to react in the moment, so you’re doing sketch while he’s doing improv (and then your roommate walks in to break the tension and starts doing standup—does this metaphor make sense?). I know it’s scary to leave someone who loves you just to kiss some of the worst people alive who are all named Jack, but I promise, it’s worth it. You have one life on earth; you should spend it doing doggy, IN-N-OUT animal style with a local musician who’s been accused of queerbaiting on Instagram.
THEME 4: POLY NATION RISE UP
“Convince my partner to open our marriage”
“Have multiple lovers”
“Build generational wealth for my polycule”
I’m afraid to weigh in because the polycules are gonna come for my neck—they have gorgeous support systems and communication skills on their side, FML. I’ve seen open relationships work (she lied). I’ve also seen couples go open because they want to break up but are too scared (no offense, all love). The worst is when you hook up with a guy who’s open and then he immediately closes the relationship and then you bump into his partner at Shake Shack and she wants you dead—hypothetically, of course. Wait, why am I being a lawyer for monogamy? I’m going vintage, boomer, Joe Biden mode. Instead of being open, do what I did: date someone for half a decade who hated kissing you on the mouth and got mad at you for eating spaghetti too slow. To be serious FOR ONCE, non-monogamy can totally work as long as you communicate and tell the truth. We put a man on the moon, you can open your relationship!
These 4 themes were the most common, but I’d be remiss-sauce (that’s a real word), if I didn’t mention a few other resolutions super quickly:
“To be more gay” — Go for it girliana! Once, I kissed a girl on the street and a man drove by and shouted, “2 girls kissing? Awesome!” Allies are everywhere!
“To not fuck someone who takes clown classes” — Did you know “improv” spelled backwards is “abuse”? Every morning, I look in the mirror and repeat the mantra: “a guy in your level 2 improv class does NOT define you.”
“To have kinkier sex” — A big part of sex is prop comedy. Grow up and bring some toys to bed!
“To be in a relationship only if it upholds my worth and leave at the first sign of it not doing so” — I felt this like a gun to the CHEST. Read it and weep folks!
It’s important to remember that I have no idea what I’m talking about. My brain is so tiny and snatched. I think it’s great to pursue romance and hookups. I also think it’s cool to swipe right on YOURSELF, go on a date with your ART, and fall in love with the STAGE. Thank you perfect angels for sharing your life with me! I can’t wait to hear from you next month. Also, FYI, I’m hosting my own comedy show starting February 8th and am on my knees begging you to come (grab tickets here). Being a comedian is about renting a motel room in Queens to take one single photo in a heart-shaped bath.
Talk soon!
Tessa
"I know it’s scary to leave someone who loves you just to kiss some of the worst people alive who are all named Jack, but I promise, it’s worth it. You have one life on earth; you should spend it doing doggy, IN-N-OUT animal style with a local musician who’s been accused of queerbaiting on Instagram." is the absolute worst string of words I've ever read.